Post by Damon on Mar 8, 2016 20:42:12 GMT
(03/07/16 : 17:38:12)
||One Mind, Any Weapon||
.D A M O N -A P E X- T H O R N T O N.
.Mercenary || Normandy Squad.
World At War Staff
= GENERAL LOCATIONS =
-At the beach-
says to ALL: -Why bother? I wish I was something better, but I'm just too dead inside. They don't need to bother with Me. She doesn't need to bother. I'll just keep slipping further and further, down. I had sank so much that I had smashed through the sea floor and spiralled into an abyss of flaws and self sabotage... I wish I had died, instead of lived... That was a truth of the matter. For I was worth nothing more... There wasn't goodness in Me. I wasn't strong, or decent, or reliable. I was a Monster. I hurt those close to me. A compulsive need to cut myself before anybody else could do it. It made me stubborn, unreasonable, nasty.. It made me a complete Arsehole. And I knew that.. It hurt deep down, I hurt myself more often than I cared to admit, and I did that, by hurting others. How is that any different from kneeling in a corner of hell whilst bladed whips struck at my back, again and again?-
-There was a great amount of self loathing in my soul. I would never admit it, but I did feel. I felt way too much. Every blow that I struck against somebody I cared for, tore me up. In the worst of ways. And yet I just couldn't stop myself. It was a downward plummet. Every soul on this planet had been through challenges in their lives. But it was naïve to believe that they were all equally as challenging, equally as damaging. And whatever it was that I had been through up to this point in life, it had destroyed me. It had not just caused cracks... it had shattered me. I'm too deep now. All of those pieces scattered in the wind like ash. And it had never been put back together, my soul had remained detached from me and the wilderness had grown over the top of those abandoned pieces. Now, there was nothing left of Me.-
-I had spent the entire night, sitting here on the beach. A vast expanse of emptiness.. Grains and specks of sand. A tide which came in to kiss that sand, only to draw away and abandon it before the night was through. Perhaps I could relate to the water's commitment issues. Perhaps I could relate to the sand's abandonment issues. I wore the only clothes I owned. A pair of black jeans, My boots, a black shirt, and a black leather jacket. I sat cross legged, with my back to the world, and my face to the wind.-
-It turns out that its quite easy to get anything on the street of Florida. And for a thousand euros, I had acquired a pistol from a street gang. I know that I overpaid. But it had been in euros anyway, and I just failed to care. About a single thing. I had given up on life and it had given up on Me.-
-I thought about some things. I thought about Normandy Squad. Rea & the others. I thought about the Mission, and about England. But Mostly.. I thought about something else... and all that I had ruined with my own bitter desperation and fears. My eyes dropped towards the pistol. It was sitting in the sand in front of Me. Cocked & Loaded, ready to go. I reached down to claim it, taking it into my left hand. It would be better. If I could do it. It would be easier. I didn't want to die. Ninety percent of me was screaming for survival. But that ten percent, oh it was so strong. And it whispered in my thoughts... Do it for them. Do it for the people you Hurt. Take yourself Out so that you can't hurt anybody else, ever Again. ...And the worse part about it, I didn't agree with the 90%. not one bit. I didn't want to survive, I did not need to survive. I did not deserve to survive. But that 10%, it made so much sense to Me. I hurt people. Sometimes with bullets, sometimes with words. Same difference. If I was not here, I couldn't hurt anybody... My hand tightened its grip around that pistol and I started to raise it towards my head.-
(03/07/16 : 18:02:34)
||One Mind, Any Weapon||
.D A M O N -A P E X- T H O R N T O N.
.Mercenary || Normandy Squad.
World At War Staff
= GENERAL LOCATIONS =
-At the beach-
says to ALL: -I brought the barrel of that gun up, and pressed it against my left temple.... Now Squeeze … said the voices in my head. I closed my eyes and grit my teeth. I wasn't angry. Or maybe I was. But I couldn't feel it now. All I felt was complete, hopeless, despair. I had conquered many things in life, but I couldn't conquer this. I wanted it. I wanted it bad. But there's too many dead ends. I trusted nobody, not even myself. And I couldn't talk myself out of it. I took in a deep, stuttering breath and tried to compose myself as my eyes opened to peer back towards those ocean waves. I couldn't fix myself, let alone anybody else. I tore myself open, every time. Just to -feel- that pain. Deep down I felt that if I was ever to be happy. It would be wrong. I had no right to be happy.-
-We all had things we loved. Me too. Something I loved. But the past was real and these scars upon my body, told tales of all that followed me through life. Pain. I needed to spare them from Me. It would hurt those who may miss me perhaps. But they would get over that. Eventually. A clean cut. And that was much better than the constant sadness and disappoint that I offered them. I was a plague. A Virus. And I ruined anything that I touched. And the truth was, even those who had loved me in life, had always known that they shouldn't... Enough was Enough... Time for me to stop being selfish.-
-How could I expect -anybody- to even stand the sight of me when I could not? When I looked into a mirror, it wasn't My face I saw. It was the face of every single person that had lost their life because of Me. Every single person that had hurt, felt pain, or cried because of Me. I let them down, I had let them all down. And anybody in the future who had the complete misfortune to cross my path... Well.. I would let them down too.-
-Tears filled my eyes and gathered along the ridge of my lower lashes. Clinging desperately as they stubbornly sought not to fall. The harder I tried to squeeze that trigger, the more my hand began to shake. My grip was white knuckled but that finger just would not squeeze. I held my breath and braced for it. But when it didn't happen, I expelled that trapped air with a loud grunt.. Fucking. Do. It. … I needed to become a Phantom and leave this world behind and the demons in my head knew that all too well... Do it Now. … they whispered. The gun fell away from my temple and I kept hold of it, grasping the barrel with my other hand and then driving it into my mouth. I felt the front iron sight jam against my tonsil. My finger leaned against that trigger. And slowly... finally … It started to press...
(03/07/16 : 18:42:15)
||One Mind, Any Weapon||
.D A M O N -A P E X- T H O R N T O N.
.Mercenary || Normandy Squad.
World At War Staff
: -In the final moments of my life, many things cut a memory across my Mind. It was not in any order. I didn't see visions of myself as a child. I saw nothing good. Only. The. Bad... I saw Death. I saw Heartache. I saw Failure... Those tears finally fell free. Cascading down my cheeks... I didn't pull the trigger, I couldn't... the gun fell from my mouth and dropped upon the sand... I couldn't do it. I wasn't strong enough... and that made me angry.. I sprang to my feet with rage rising immediately to the surface.-
“Fuck You!”
-I roared, pelting that pistol through the air and launching it far out to sea before it plummeted into the waves. Lost... I felt shattered, like I've never been before. The life I knew sat in a thousand pieces on the ground... I couldn't explain it, words fell short when I tried. It was such a vicious, fucked up, and repulsive world that we walked in. It had driven me to my knees and I knew I would never get back up. Never get back to who I used to be. I was here, walking around, but I just couldn't get the heart in my chest to beat again. It had given up and didn't say anything anymore. I closed my eyes, but there was no air to breathe in. There was just, Nothing.-
-I turned my back on the waves and stalked away. Time to go through the motions... ”Maybe Next Time” … I told myself. Hopefully I would eventually find the courage to just pull that trigger. But for now, I wanted to smoke and drink myself into an early grave, then maybe I just wouldn't need to pull any trigger.-
-I made my way off the beach and through an empty parking lot. I headed down a nearby street, passing by a cafe that offered cooked meals. I could hear the radio playing inside, it's melody leaking out onto the pavement... 'And All Those Things I Didn't Say, Like Wrecking Balls, Inside My Brain' … I sneered inwardly at that understatement and continued on my way. The same group who had sold me the pistol had made a deal and traded the rest of my euros for American cash. They had got the better deal technically … 18,000 Euros, for 8,000 American dollars. That was an easy 10k profit for them there. But At least I couldn't have to worry about trying to convert it at a bank or airport. So that was good enough for Me anyway. Not like I gave a shit....
(03/07/16 : 19:03:13)
||One Mind, Any Weapon||
.D A M O N -A P E X- T H O R N T O N.
.Mercenary || Normandy Squad.
World At War Staff
: -I found a liquor store and my empty, lifeless eyes scanned those who lingered outside. So paranoid, so hyper aware. So ready to jump to conflict. You couldn't live your life believing everything was a threat, everything was an attack of betrayal waiting to happen. I saw a happy couple walk out of the store and it made my stomach feel sick. Twisting up in knots. How could they do that? They seemed so gleeful and jolly.... I found it weak. Unrealistic. I hated it. I was bitter and jealous all in the same beat of black heart. I wanted it. Not her in particular, or him of course. But what they had. That love, that trust, the belief in one another. I wanted that so much. Just to be normal, if only for a night. But it wasn't for Me. It couldn't be.-
-I was not Relationship Material.-
-I just could not trust. I couldn't. I tried so badly to trust. And it just was not in my nature. I had been hurt so much in the past, that it was engraved in my bones. Anybody who you let in, anybody who you let close. They would cut You... And you will cut them … Whispered the relentless demons... But they were right. And either way, whether I struck first, or they did.. it would end in pain and hurt. .. And Hurt just... Hurt … so bad. I had experienced so many different types of pain in this life. But none of them could compete with the Hurt on the inside.-
-I watched the couple of lovers get into their little family car and tinker off down the road. Then I turned away and pushed open the door to head inside... It was empty -except for a young cashier who sat behind the counter, reading a fashion magazine and bobbing her head along to whatever music played into her skull candy headphones... My gaze briefly swept the shelves and fridges until I spotted the alcohol... the overhead speakers were belting out some kind of one time chart hit. A pretty American voice sung a lullaby that I wagered was about her own loved one... “Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you” … Pffft! What a complete crock of shit! Whoever had wrote that song, had been bullshitting themselves. They didn't mean it. It was fruitless boasts for the sole purpose of turning a profit. That is what people liked to do isn't it? Pretend and present the image that they were something special... People didn't stand by You... they just stood BY.... In the end, you were alone. Nobody would ever fully understand the core of your foundations. Nobody would grasp just how hard it was to be You... And the sad truth was … You are Alone... We All Are … and Nobody is going to stand by Any of us...
(03/07/16 : 19:24:26)
||One Mind, Any Weapon||
.D A M O N -A P E X- T H O R N T O N.
.Mercenary || Normandy Squad.
World At War Staff
= GENERAL LOCATIONS =
-Is somewhere unknown-
says to ALL: -When I reached the row of fridges, I noticed that all of the alcohol was beer and wines. I needed stronger than that. I looked around the place but I could not seem to find any spirits section. In the end, I gave up and just approached that woman behind the counter. She saw me coming and pulled off her headphones with a smile...”Well, Hello there” … she said. I offered a fake, and plastic smile.-
“I'll have a couple of packets....”
-My words drifted in pause as I observed the different cigarettes and tobaccos on offer. I didn't recognize -any- of them. In the end I took a random guess and just picked the next one my eyes fell to-
“Of those Marlboro blend 27s”
-The cashier turned with the indicating point of my finger and took down two packets of cigarettes, tossing them onto the counter... It was also then that I noticed the spirits were hidden away behind the counter itself. I tried to read all of the labels swiftly, but honestly... my eyesight just wasn't what it used to be... all that war, the constant dirt and sand in the eyes. The repetitive flashes of gunfire and explosions... Well, I sure didn't have anything close to 20/20 anymore... I couldn't make out what most of them said.-
“And a bottle of the Jim Beam.”
-I finally added when I recognized the pattern on the bottle. It wasn't full size, but that would allow it to fit in my pocket so I was fine with that... “Do you need a lighter, honey?” … she said and I cringed with a visible scowl. I didn't care if she saw it. I hated to be called Honey, or Darling, Or Sweetie, or any other stupid fucking pet name.-
“No. Thank You. Mate.”
-Was all I said. I had quit smoking recently, but I still had my Steel Zippo. She rung it all up and asked if I wanted a bag. I declined and immediately swiped the bottle of Jim Beam, stuffing it into my coat's inside pocket. Then I took one of the Marlboro packets and tucked it away in my jeans pocket. I kept the other packet in my hand... “Those things are bad for you” … she said teasingly as she nodded to the smokes and offered out my change... “They'll give you cancer.” … -I just sneered held out my hand, forcing her to pour the change into my palm, and as I left, I added.-
“I'm already cancerous.”
(03/08/16 : 12:49:42)
||One Mind, Any Weapon||
.D A M O N -A P E X- T H O R N T O N.
.Mercenary || Normandy Squad.
World At War Staff
= CITY of TAMPA =
-At a bar or pub-
says to ALL: -As soon as I stepped outside, I tore open that packet and pulled out one of those dreadful, disgusting, little sticks. I popped it into my mouth, biting it between the purse of lips and patted down my pockets for that Zippo. It was nothing fancy, no pattern or design to it. Just smooth steel in the Zippo's original brand style. I fired it up and took a long puff on the filter. I felt that hot smoke fill my lungs and clog my throat. And I held it there. Lingering for a long moment until I finally expelled that breath, leaving the smoke to fade away into the breeze. I was tempted to take the Jim Beam out, but I didn't need to. Further down the street and to the left, I knew there was The Pub. So onwards I went, crossing the street and not bothering to look in either direction, why would I? I didn't care if I got run over or struck down. It would be doing me a favour anyway.-
-When I found The Pub. I made my way inside. I didn't see Her. Good. I approached the bar and had to wait a few minutes for the woman on shift to reappear out of the back room. As I waited, I finished that cigarette and stubbed it into the ash tray, trying not to think about...............-
“Get it together”
-I whispered to myself, forcing my mind to shut up. I could silence everything. But only by switching off. I was just... shutting down. It was for the best. I would only be in the way anyway. The tender hurried down the bar with a “part of the uniform” smile on her face... “What are you drinking, darling?” … There are those annoying pet names again. Is this world really that hollow and machine-like? I wiped the bar top in front of me with the back of my hand whilst stubbing that Marlboro tab into the nearby ashtray.-
“Give me a shot of -Every- Whiskey you have behind this bar... Please.”
-Manners were also part of the machine world we lived in. Just as empty as the pet names. Nobody was ever honestly grateful or well mannered, nobody gave a shit. It was just part of the process. The expected. The predictable....A slut in a short skirt was lingering at the jukebox and slapped on Whitney Houston's.... I will always Love You … I glared in her direction, burning holes into the back of her Barbie head. Really? I hid the cringe as I turned back to the tender, she looked shocked by my request... “A shot, of all of them?” … I nodded and told her to line the shots up on a tray. I didn't want to sit at the bar today. It might invite company. And Company was not something I wanted any more, or ever again.-
(03/08/16 : 12:59:31)
||One Mind, Any Weapon||
.D A M O N -A P E X- T H O R N T O N.
.Mercenary || Normandy Squad.
World At War Staff
= CITY of TAMPA =
-At a bar or pub-
says to ALL: -It took a while. Twenty shots all together. I could add all these together and just make one full bottle. But I didn't. I paid the extreme amount of cash -which didn't matter because I was walking around with thousands in my pocket. So fuck it. - I collected the tray and moved through the bar to the very back corner of the room. It was a booth that I slid into and claimed all to myself, I put my back against the wall and started to line up those shot glasses in single file down on the table. I started with the lightest shades of golden syrup, and finished with the darkest browns of black blood. The tray was tossed away, into the next booth over.-
-The first three went down fast. Straight away, one after another. When I was done, I stacked the glasses into each other and pulled out another smoke. The whiskey had fired my belly and I could feel its aftermath in my chest. It was kind of like rage, but a controllable one. It was as though, I was feeding my anger, so it wasn't whining for food as eagerly.... What a Cunt … I said in my head, about Myself.... I hate You … I spat at myself. I really did hate myself. For everything that had been done to Me, and everything I had done... I had not lit the cigarette yet, but I let it hang between my fingers as though I had. I claimed a fourth shot and pulled it close. Twirling the glass around with my fingers and watching the light blend swirl around in the tiny vessel.-
-I knocked it Down.-
-Stacked the Glass-
-Lit the Cigarette-
-Held the Smoke-
-Before long I had consumed a total of eight shots. They were all whiskeys. But they were different types. Some were Bourbon, Some were Scotch. Some were Single Malt, Some were Double Malt. They were a mixture of brands too. Jim Beam. Jack Daniels. Stag. Grouse. Bells. Grants. Glennmorangie. Dalmore. Regal. Motorhead. BenRiach. Red Label. The list just went on. Some of them tasted very bitter and Harsh. Some were sweet and tangy. Some had Woody tastes, Some had an almost metallic taste. But by the Ninth shot that burned across my tongue and washed down my throat... They all just tasted the fucking same... The simmering, smoky, recreational taste of.. Numb.-
(03/08/16 : 13:17:00)
||One Mind, Any Weapon||
.D A M O N -A P E X- T H O R N T O N.
.Mercenary || Normandy Squad.
World At War Staff
= CITY of TAMPA =
-At a bar or pub-
says to ALL: -The booming laughter of Men drew my attention towards the pool tables. Five of them. Playing doubles at one of the tables. They looked like body builders. Little beach boys in their trendy clothes and fashionable hair styles. I ignored them for the most part and looked back to my present company... Mr & Mrs. Whiskey, and all their children too... I plucked shot number ten from the line, drank it, and then washed it down with shot number eleven. I started a fresh stack of glasses and slammed that glass down onto the table forcefully. It drew the attention of those beach boys. It interrupted their rowdy fun at the tables and they glanced over at me with scowls... I didn't look back, I just puffed on that cigarette and started to rearrange the final nine shots into a smiley face in front of Me.-
-From that point on, every time I drank a shot. I would slam it loudly down onto the table. I knew that it was irritating the beach boys. So sometimes I would rap it twice against that wooden surface before letting go... the music had changed now that the slut had left it alone... currently it played Eminem – No Love... I related to some of the words in that violent melody. I had the tendency to snap. I was ashamed of myself. I couldn't breathe, not really. Broken records playing over. It was all just very pointless and the more I drank that whiskey, the more I hated myself.-
-On the seventeenth shot, My vision was a tad blurry and when I slammed down the glass, it knocked over one of the piles and made a commotion of noise. None of them broke, but one of them did almost roll off the table. The beach boys all snapped their heads to look in my direction … “Hey Asshole! Why don't you cut it out.” .. I just sneered and picked up shot number 18. It went down, just like the others. Then I slammed the glass down... “Are you deaf, bitch?” … barked another one of them... Again, I just ignored them. I enjoyed that I was irritating them. Maybe they would come in use and help me with one of my problems. I picked up shot number 19. Forcing it down my throat. I was near on seeing double now and I just -knew- that at some point I would throw up. Good.-
-Drunken eyes rose to meet those staring beach boys. I smiled my plastic smile and placed the glass gently down on the table. I even kept my pinky up when I did it. To be all proper like. They all muttered things to each other and went back to their game.... I had one shot left, and I let it sit for a while as I smoked another cigarette... Something came to me in that moment, as I sat brooding, and dwelling in my own bitter misery... I would always be drowning. From now and forever, until I finally died... and whoever I let close... I dragged them down with me, I pulled them under, and I drowned them too.-
(03/08/16 : 13:38:40)
||One Mind, Any Weapon||
.D A M O N -A P E X- T H O R N T O N.
.Mercenary || Normandy Squad.
World At War Staff
= CITY of TAMPA =
-At a bar or pub-
says to ALL: -That vicious, foul, and unreasonable mood was back again. I wasn't angry at anybody else. Just myself. I Stubbed that cigarette into the ashtray and rose to my feet. I swiped up that final shot and left the booth. Downing it in one gulp on my way across the room. I had to pass by the pool tables and as I did, I shoved my shoulder into the back of one of the beach boys and barged passed him … “Watch it! Dickweed!” … I turned around to face the group. They were all huddled around that table and looked ready to throw down.-
“Sorry about that.”
-I said in a tone that revealed I didn't give a fuck. I offered them the broadest smile I could muster and then tossed that empty shot glass down onto their table. It clunked against one of the balls and sent it rolling away... “What's your problem? You looking to get your ass kicked?” … snapped the one at the back. I held out my arms and took three steps back.-
“Why not? Why don't you all follow me outside right now? No point in smashing up the place with your faces.”
-They all stared at me and shot each other glances, unable to believe that a single man was challenging all of them. I knew I wouldn't win.. Good... Even in full capability 5 v 1 was terrible odds. I was also drunk and that would make me even slower and inaccurate. If a fight happened, there was no doubt that they would kick my arse... ”Get out of here, You're not worth it. Stupid little bitch.” … Snarled the one to my left. I glanced at him and then to the table behind him. I saw his bottle of beer and his key cars.-
“A Mercedes? Nice.”
-He scoffed at me and then spat on the ground at my feet. I just chuckled and turned around, ignoring the insults they threw at me. I had paid for my drinks already and just headed out the front door without another word... In the parking lot, my pale greens scanned the vehicles. Only one Mercedes, bright red. I smirked at myself and approached it. It was very modern. Probably Daddy's Car. It no doubt had an alarm... I searched around the lot and found a brick... Picking it up, I walked to the middle of the lot and then launched it at the windscreen. It shattered and set off a whistling alarm...Excellent .. I turned to face the doors of the pub, and just waited... Within seconds, that little group of beach boys came flooding out of the door.-
“Whoops”
-Was all I said. A drunken smile plastered on my face.-